Monday, June 29, 2009

Self-Served

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

In the after-hours absence of an employee parking structure, PATRICK scrambles to make a delivery by parking at the neighboring gas station. He rushes into the office building, oblivious to the protests of the GAS STATION OWNER.

GAS STATION OWNER

Excuse me, sir! SIR! HEY!

Patrick makes his delivery. He returns to find the man, with arms akimbo, shaking his head in disappointment.

GAS STATION OWNER

So, are you just gonna ignore me?

PATRICK

I'm sorry?

GAS STATION OWNER

I was yelling at you to stop and you just ran away from me.

PATRICK

Sorry. What did you want?

In spite of Patrick's respectful tone, the man grows illogically frustrated.

GAS STATION OWNER

You can't just park here and run off. This is for customers only.

PATRICK

Oh. I didn't see a sign anywhere.

Now the man is furious.

GAS STATION OWNER

There isn't one! I'm telling you now.

PATRICK

Okay, sorry.

The man steps down his fury a half notch.

GAS STATION OWNER

If you want to park here, you can come in and buy something.

PATRICK

Alright, well. Note to self.

Patrick enters his car and starts it to find he is dangerously low on gas.

In plain view of his verbal assailant, he pulls out of the station and into the one across the street. He purchases the most satisfying 22.4 gallons of premium gasoline he ever has... or ever will.

Reimaginings...

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

PATRICK and MIKEY are enjoying Treasure Planet, courtesy of Netflix, when JON enters.

JON

What is this?

PATRICK

Treasure Planet.

Jon observes in silence for a moment.

JON

This is lame. I liked it better the first time, when it was called Muppet Treasure Island.

Jon exits.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Cough Cough

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

PATRICK and JESSE catch up on Star Trek: The Original Series.

JESSE

Oh, I forgot to tell you... I spilled Indian food on my car floor mat today. I had to wash it in the bathroom and it's hanging on the shower door so if you wanted to take a shower...

Jesse coughs twice, either genuinely or suggestively.

JESSE

(cont'd)

...you should take the mat down.

PAT

Jeeze, I get it. I stink. I'll take a shower.

JESSE

No! I was just saying if you wanted to...

Jesse coughs twice, either genuinely or suggestively.

JESSE

...that you could.

Patrick takes the hint.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Guest Scene #1 (submitted by Mikey)

INT. THEATER - AFTERNOON

MIKEY, IAN, and AOISE are watching Drag Me To Hell after drinking three "Brain Blasters" each.

IAN

(yelling)

It's cool, because this is the kind of movie you can just talk all the way through and no one cares!

There is an audible groan from the audience. Aoise suddenly pukes.

IAN

My backpack!

Yum-Yum Quesadilla

INT. YUM-YUM DONUTS - NIGHT

PATRICK, JESSE, and the CARTOON CLUB GANG wrap up a night of cartoon trivia with the classic one-two punch of Taco Bell and Yum-Yum Donuts.

JESSE

I'm a weirdo? You're the one eating a chicken quesadilla you dropped on the floor of a Dunkin' Donuts.

PATRICK

First of all it's a steak quesadilla...

JESSE

Whatever.

PATRICK

Second of all, this is a Yum-Yum Donuts.

JESSE

Whatever! It's still gross.

PATRICK

Third of all... five second rule.

Jesse gives up. Patrick continues eating.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Candle Man Can...

INT. TARGET - DAY

PATRICK and JESSE meander through the candle aisle.

JESSE

I'm thinking something like this.

Patrick takes a whiff.

PATRICK

What is that? Laundry?

JESSE

Lavender springs.

PATRICK

How bout this one?

Jesse smells Patrick's feeble attempt.

JESSE

What is that? Jelly donut?

PATRICK

Exactly!

JESSE

We aren't getting jelly donut candles. (beat) These ones are nice. Smell that.

PATRICK

It smells like laundry.

JESSE

It's vanilla mist.

PATRICK

What about this?

JESSE

Is that pumpkin pie?

PATRICK

Yeah.

JESSE

Why do all your candles smell like food?

PATRICK

Why do all your candles smell like laundry?

JESSE

Why do I bother bringing you here?