iSad

INT. APPLE CONFERENCE - DAY

STEVE JOBS wraps up his presentation of the iPad.

STEVE

And lastly, aren't you tired of carrying around an iPhone...

A SECOND STEVE JOBS walks out.

SECOND STEVE

...AND a time machine...

Future Plans

INT. OFFICE - DAY

JOSH explains his plans for the future to PATRICK.

PATRICK

Do you have a name for your biker gang picked out?

JOSH

We're gonna be the Skull Crackers.

PATRICK

That sounds more like a Halloween snack than a biker gang.

Josh and Patrick engage in a grueling staring contest.

Josh cracks Patrick's skull.

Movie Deal Update

A while back I mentioned that the Movie Deal screenplay contest would be announcing winners in December, then it was pushed to the 15th of January, then the 20th. So I was less than surprised to find the results posted promptly on the evening of January 23rd.

I didn't win, but that's not the issue.

It really wouldn't have bothered me if they had at least updated their website to reflect the delay. In fact, I would have been less upset if they hadn't updated one line of text on the afternoon of the 21st to imply that the announcement of the winners was "moments away" only to leave the site stagnant for 48 hours before any further update.

I would recommend people not enter this contest in the future.

But then, I guess I deserve it for not taking Google's hint.

When you type "The Movie Deal" into Google search bar, the first suggestion is "The Movie Deal Scam."

Go figure.

Second City - Hollywood

I've been told that a good way to perfect comedy writing is to take improv classes. While I'm sure this is true, I've never had the disposable income to take said classes.

If you've never heard of groupons, go here. If you have, Jesse got me one for a two hour improv basics class with the Hollywood Second City Training Center. Yesterday I cashed it in for a class that ended up a lot of fun. I'm also fairly certain I saw our instructor, Ithamar Enriquez, in a FedEx commercial during the Vikings/Saints game today. I may go back for future improv classes, but what caught my eye while I was there, other than posters of Bill Murray and Tina Fey all over the place, was a comedy writing class they offer.

For $325-375 they offer a 3.5-hour class once a week for seven weeks. There are six levels to the writing program totaling 42 weeks of instruction. More information on the Second City writing program can be found on their website. I'll probably be signing up for the next available level 1 Saturday course, assuming I mug enough people between now and then to pay for it. I'll probably mention it again when they post new classes so you guys can take it with me if you want!

Conan has been cast!

A rare bit of entertainment news for the (beat). But the hard-fought war for the part of Conan has finally officially been cast and the winner is Jay Leno! Congrats Jay...

...just kidding I hate you.

Oh wait, no... it's some guy with dreadlocks.

Screenwriting Tips... You Hack

A favorite website of mine, Screenwriting Tips... You Hack has posted another of my guest tips in his biannual Guest Post Week. Check out today's Guest Post #5.

DR. BRIDGES

(losing his patients)

I know what I'm doing!

Spell check doesn't correct homophones.

I also snuck into Guest Post Week 2 a couple months back with Tip #11.

Pears and Batteries

Julie's new contest is a simple one-page scene of any genre including the words: Pear, Slay, and Thickening. Feel free to enter the contest any time before midnight Saturday (Jan. 23)!

Here's my submission based on something my brother thought up a while back...

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

TRAVIS, 24 and lanky, closes the refrigerator door and exhales audibly in frustration.

TRAVIS

Are you kidding me, Todd? You drank my beer again?

TODD, 26 and pot-bellied, pauses his videogame.

TODD

What beer?

TRAVIS

The beer I hid in the vegetable crisper. All that's left are pears and batteries.

TODD

I didn't drink 'em.

TRAVIS

Todd, we're the only ones here.

Todd is struck with an epiphany. He snaps his fingers.

TODD

Dude! Must've been the beer troll!

TRAVIS

The beer troll?

TODD

Yeah, he steals beer at night.

TRAVIS

(playing along)

Alright... I thought... you slayed the beer troll.

Todd, embarrassed, searches his head for another excuse.

TODD

Must've laid some eggs.

TRAVIS

Eggs, huh? The mythology's thickening.

TODD

Tell you what, I'll start setting up the trap. You go buy more beer for bait.

Team Cleaners

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

LEONARD, mid-twenties and pajama'd, collects dirty clothes scattered about his home, laundry basket in hand.

There is a knock at the door.

EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

Leonard opens the door to find MILO, mid-thirties with a cigarette dangling from the edge of his mouth and streaks of gray flanking his hair.

MILO

Good evening, sir!

Leonard hesitates to respond, expecting an explanation.

LEONARD

Good evening. Can I help you?

MILO

I believe you made an appointment? My name is Milo? I'm here on behalf of Team Cleaners?

Milo gestures to the Team Cleaners van at the curb.

LEONARD

Oh... right... but I was expecting you hours ago.

Milo retrieves a notepad from his pocket.

MILO

I believe our appointment was for seven.

LEONARD

That sounds late to me, but the place still needs cleaning. Would you like to come in, Milo?

MILO

Sure, but can I get a quick room count first?

LEONARD

Well, the two bedrooms... the kitchen... the living room... bathroom's fine actually. So I guess just the four.

MILO

Alright, just a moment.

Milo retreats to the van.

LEONARD

Are there more people in the van or is it just you?

Milo begins digging around in the back of the van. Metal CRASHING and CLANGING is heard from inside.

MILO

(yelling over the noise)

It's a one man operation.

LEONARD

Do you need help with your equipment?

Milo reappears carrying a large cardboard box.

MILO

I think I got it.

LEONARD

It's all in the box?

MILO

It's all in the box.

LEONARD

You know it's such odd luck that I even found your company. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I just found your business card in my pocket but I have no idea where it came from.

MILO

Happens all the time.

LEONARD

Really?

Leonard holds open the door while Milo carries the box inside.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Milo carries the box to the kitchen counter and sets it down, while Leonard takes a seat on the couch.

LEONARD

So, am I in your way here?

MILO

No, please make yourself at home.

LEONARD

(confused)

I am home.

MILO

I shouldn't take more than an hour of your time.

Leonard flicks on the television and leaves Milo to his work.

LEONARD

(eyes on the TV)

The bedrooms are the first and third doors in the hall and you can skip the bathroom in between.

MILO

Sounds good.

Milo opens the box and lifts out a stack of four Roombas. He switches one on and sets it down in the kitchen, then disappears down the hall. Milo returns with the final Roomba which he carries to the couch by Leonard. Milo switches it on, sets it down, and takes a seat next to Leonard on the couch. Milo lights a new cigarette.

MILO

(cont'd)

So what're we watchin'?

LEONARD

(distracted)

Uh... House Hunters International... I'm sorry, is that a Roomba?

MILO

Oh, you've heard of them?

LEONARD

Yeah...

MILO

Yeah, they're terrific. Make my life a thousand times easier. Can you turn this up?

LEONARD

Is that all your going to do?

MILO

What do you mean?

LEONARD

I mean, did you just frisbee four Roomba's into my house instead of cleaning it.

Leonard wanders over to the kitchen to confirm his suspicions.

MILO

That's the beauty. They clean it for you.

LEONARD

Well, technically they're cleaning it for you... but I think cleaning may be the wrong word.

MILO

You don't understand. These are top of the line.

LEONARD

Yes, but you realize you have to charge Roombas. Even top of the line ones.

Leonard gives the dead kitchen Roomba a tap with his foot.

LEONARD

(cont'd)

And even the charged ones aren't helping.

Leonard points to the living room Roomba.

LEONARD

(cont'd)

That one's leaving a thick black trail through my house.

Sure enough, it is.

MILO

Well that's odd.

Milo lifts the leaky Roomba to inspect its underside.

MILO

(cont'd)

I think I see the problem here.

Milo brings it to Leonard to explain.

MILO

(cont'd)

This one's not even a Roomba. It's a horseshoe crab.

Milo turns the bottom of the horseshoe crab to Leonard revealing a hissing mess of legs and antennae gurgling thick black tar all over Leonard's home.

LEONARD

Get out.

MILO

Oh, c'mon. Your bound to have a horseshoe crab in the bunch.

LEONARD

Get out.

EXT. TEAM CLEANERS VAN - LATER

The horseshoe crab gurgles upside down in the passenger seat as Milo drives.

CRAB

(gurgling hiss)

MILO

You're absolutely right, Henrietta. Very, very rude.

Campire

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

PATRICK rattles away at a spec episode of 30 Rock while JESSE reads over his shoulder.

JESSE

Why doesn't spellcheck tell you "campfire" is spelled wrong?

PATRICK

Because "campire" is a word.

JESSE

What's a campire?

PATRICK

Part of a boat.

JESSE

No it's not.

PATRICK

How do you know?

JESSE

Because you couldn't name a boat part if you tried.

PATRICK

Oh yeah? Sternum!

Jesse stares blankly at Patrick.

BlueCat Goodness

I got an e-mail from the BlueCat Screenplay Contest earlier this week, which I'd forgot I entered, but I'm glad I did.

Part of their deal is that every entry to their contest gets coverage. After you get your coverage, you are invited to resubmit your script at a discounted rate, taking the notes into consideration, before April 1st.

Participants looking to submit, and eventually resubmit have until March 1st to send something their way.

The coverage is surprisingly helpful, although I only have my own coverage, so results may vary. It's broken into three paragraphs of "What did I like?" and three paragraphs of "What needs work?"

Rather than just tell me what needs work, the reader has advice about ways to solve my scripts problems. The advice is so specific as to include page numbers, which is immensely helpful. All too often people will say, "I didn't like that Jake character. You should fix him up... oh, and change the middle part. That was just weird."

I was gonna post the reader's response in full, but I don't want to spoil the movie for you guys before you see it in theaters. But if you'd like me to send it to you, shoot me an e-mail at patrick.oriley@gmail.com.

Another contest!

Julie Gray from JustEffing is at it again, this time with a Genre Action Line Writing contest. This is a fun one. Basically, we rewrite a mini-scene three ways and apply it to three different genre's; sci-fi, horror, and romantic comedy.

GUIDELINES:

I want you to work with the slugline itself and then rewrite the action line the generic words as placeholders. For example where I say “vehicle”, you replace that with the type of vehicle that would BE in the genre you are describing. I say “the sun shines” – well, HOW does it shine in romcom? In horror? Is the vehicle close or far? Is there a radio on? Is there dust on the road? What KIND of desert? Is there cactus? What kind of tall man? What type of coat? What type of gun?

Just how cinematic can you make this little tidbit and keep it evocative of the genre?

And the funnest part – give the tall man ONE line of dialogue and again, making it keeping with the genre and with the scene you are setting.

INSTRUCTIONS RECAP

Rewrite the mini-scene three times: sci-fi, horror and romcom. Using the generic action and sluglines below. Give the man one line of dialogue. You may rewrite the line and a half below UP TO 3 lines of action and no more.

GENERIC JUMPING OFF POINT

Ext. The Desert – Day

The sun shines. A vehicle comes down the road and stops in front of a restaurant. A tall man wearing a coat gets out. He draws a gun.

I thought it might be fun to use the same line of dialogue and try to apply it to all three genres. Here are the results.

(Keep in mind, with industry standard margins there are only three lines of action in each of these examples, but scrippets code is slightly narrower.)

Sci-fi:

EXT. DESERT – DAY

Twin suns flank the desert sky. A narrow black cyclone drifts to a stop in front of the abandoned Mirage restaurant and unfurls to reveal a TALL DARK MAN shouldering an RPG.

TALL DARK MAN

(confused)

What year is this?

Horror:

EXT. DESERT – DAY

The sun quickly sets on Texan desertscape. A tired Mustang rattles up to the Stuck Pig BBQ. Eyeing the confederate flag fluttering above, the DRIVER stashes a gun his jeans.

DRIVER

(sarcastic)

What year is this?

RomCom:

EXT. DESERT – DAY

In the summer sun, a MAN with a water gun races a 10-speed into an Arby’s parking lot, soaked. He sees a cute girl leaning on a Jag, hides the gun, and slicks back his hair.

MAN

(gesturing to the car)

What year is this?

If this looks as fun as it is, you might want to enter too! Just leave your three scripts as a comment on Julie's post before midnight Friday!

Offramps is a Finalist!

The long-awaited 2nd Round of The Movie Deal screenplay contest was released today and Offramps has just made the transition from Semi-Finalist to Finalist in their Comedy category!

I'd update that graphic in the right column, but the Photoshop file is on my computer at home, so that should change tonight.

According to an e-mail they sent out today, the Grand Prize winner will be announced on the 20th! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

EDIT: I don't recommend entering this contest.

Come On Brailleen

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

JESSE brushes crumbs out of PATRICK's facial hair.

JESSE

Why do you always have crumbs in your mustache?

PATRICK

Because it's not a mustache, it's brailleen.

JESSE

You mean baleen?

PATRICK

No, brailleen. Like for deaf whales.

JESSE

You mean blind whales.

PATRICK

(beat) Yes.