Team Cleaners

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

LEONARD, mid-twenties and pajama'd, collects dirty clothes scattered about his home, laundry basket in hand.

There is a knock at the door.

EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

Leonard opens the door to find MILO, mid-thirties with a cigarette dangling from the edge of his mouth and streaks of gray flanking his hair.

MILO

Good evening, sir!

Leonard hesitates to respond, expecting an explanation.

LEONARD

Good evening. Can I help you?

MILO

I believe you made an appointment? My name is Milo? I'm here on behalf of Team Cleaners?

Milo gestures to the Team Cleaners van at the curb.

LEONARD

Oh... right... but I was expecting you hours ago.

Milo retrieves a notepad from his pocket.

MILO

I believe our appointment was for seven.

LEONARD

That sounds late to me, but the place still needs cleaning. Would you like to come in, Milo?

MILO

Sure, but can I get a quick room count first?

LEONARD

Well, the two bedrooms... the kitchen... the living room... bathroom's fine actually. So I guess just the four.

MILO

Alright, just a moment.

Milo retreats to the van.

LEONARD

Are there more people in the van or is it just you?

Milo begins digging around in the back of the van. Metal CRASHING and CLANGING is heard from inside.

MILO

(yelling over the noise)

It's a one man operation.

LEONARD

Do you need help with your equipment?

Milo reappears carrying a large cardboard box.

MILO

I think I got it.

LEONARD

It's all in the box?

MILO

It's all in the box.

LEONARD

You know it's such odd luck that I even found your company. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I just found your business card in my pocket but I have no idea where it came from.

MILO

Happens all the time.

LEONARD

Really?

Leonard holds open the door while Milo carries the box inside.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Milo carries the box to the kitchen counter and sets it down, while Leonard takes a seat on the couch.

LEONARD

So, am I in your way here?

MILO

No, please make yourself at home.

LEONARD

(confused)

I am home.

MILO

I shouldn't take more than an hour of your time.

Leonard flicks on the television and leaves Milo to his work.

LEONARD

(eyes on the TV)

The bedrooms are the first and third doors in the hall and you can skip the bathroom in between.

MILO

Sounds good.

Milo opens the box and lifts out a stack of four Roombas. He switches one on and sets it down in the kitchen, then disappears down the hall. Milo returns with the final Roomba which he carries to the couch by Leonard. Milo switches it on, sets it down, and takes a seat next to Leonard on the couch. Milo lights a new cigarette.

MILO

(cont'd)

So what're we watchin'?

LEONARD

(distracted)

Uh... House Hunters International... I'm sorry, is that a Roomba?

MILO

Oh, you've heard of them?

LEONARD

Yeah...

MILO

Yeah, they're terrific. Make my life a thousand times easier. Can you turn this up?

LEONARD

Is that all your going to do?

MILO

What do you mean?

LEONARD

I mean, did you just frisbee four Roomba's into my house instead of cleaning it.

Leonard wanders over to the kitchen to confirm his suspicions.

MILO

That's the beauty. They clean it for you.

LEONARD

Well, technically they're cleaning it for you... but I think cleaning may be the wrong word.

MILO

You don't understand. These are top of the line.

LEONARD

Yes, but you realize you have to charge Roombas. Even top of the line ones.

Leonard gives the dead kitchen Roomba a tap with his foot.

LEONARD

(cont'd)

And even the charged ones aren't helping.

Leonard points to the living room Roomba.

LEONARD

(cont'd)

That one's leaving a thick black trail through my house.

Sure enough, it is.

MILO

Well that's odd.

Milo lifts the leaky Roomba to inspect its underside.

MILO

(cont'd)

I think I see the problem here.

Milo brings it to Leonard to explain.

MILO

(cont'd)

This one's not even a Roomba. It's a horseshoe crab.

Milo turns the bottom of the horseshoe crab to Leonard revealing a hissing mess of legs and antennae gurgling thick black tar all over Leonard's home.

LEONARD

Get out.

MILO

Oh, c'mon. Your bound to have a horseshoe crab in the bunch.

LEONARD

Get out.

EXT. TEAM CLEANERS VAN - LATER

The horseshoe crab gurgles upside down in the passenger seat as Milo drives.

CRAB

(gurgling hiss)

MILO

You're absolutely right, Henrietta. Very, very rude.