EXT. SANTA MONICA COURTHOUSE - DAY
BRUCE FINK, 38 overweight and coffee-stained, shuffles up the courthouse steps fifteen minutes late for his own divorce proceedings, in keeping with his soon-to-be-ex-wife's expectations.
High atop the steps, KAREN stands with her lawyer, arms akimbo.
KAREN
You look like shit.
BRUCE
Sorry I'm late.
KAREN
What happened to the nice pants I bought you?
BRUCE
I had to have the waist taken out.
KAREN
Is that waist with an 'I' or an 'E'.
BRUCE
Fuck you, Karen.
EXT. PARK - DAY
A young man chats on a phone in a park.
PHONER
Well, maybe you can borrow some money from your dad or something.
A pause.
PHONER
Really, prison? What for?
A pause.
PHONER
Wow. Well, I guess it could have been worse.
A pause.
PHONER
It could have been THIRD degree murder.
A pause.
PHONER
First is worse than third?
A pause.
PHONER
Well, sooorrry. I'm not a lawyer. I thought it was like burns... or karate belts.
A pause.
PHONER
Yeah I get that... noooooooow.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
A MAN steps in from the cold through the thick carcinogenic exhaust of the evening crowd.
His eyes come to rest on a WOMAN at the bar, her beauty radiating through the tufts of smoke.
He approaches.
MAN
Can I buy you a drink?
WOMAN
What do I look like? Freecreditreport.com?
MAN
Sorry, MAY I buy you a drink?
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
PATRICK ages in an elevator with JUSTIN BIEBER. They talk about movies.
JUSTIN
...and the racing scenes are awesome.
PATRICK
Yeah! The thing with the jeep almost reminded me of Jurassic Park.
JUSTIN
Of what?
PATRICK
The scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is after the jeep.
JUSTIN
I don't know if I've seen that one.
Patrick is confused.
PATRICK
If you've seen Jurassic Park? With the dinosaurs and the Goldblum and everything?
JUSTIN
Must've been before I was born.
PATRICK
What? No, this is recent. This was like '93.
JUSTIN
I was born in 94.
PATRICK
You're shitting me.
Bieber shrugs. The elevator stops.
PATRICK (CONT'D)
This is my stop.
JUSTIN
I have a ways to go.
Patrick exits.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
PATRICK audio Skypes with his writing partner ANDY when JESSE enters with treats.
She holds out a piece of fruit.
JESSE
Have one of these.
PATRICK
Wow, that's yummy.
ANDY
(over audio Skype)
What is it?
PATRICK
It's baby scalp and its surprisingly sweet.
JESSE
It's an Asian pear.
PATRICK
Yeah, they're siamese twins.
INT. SOUTH KOREAN HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
MIKEY enters his room to get some sleep for the night.
He flips the light switch hoping to illuminate the room, to no avail.
He tries again, and again he is refused.
A third and final attempt is equally ineffective.
INT. SOUTH KOREAN HOTEL ROOM BATHROOM - NIGHT
Mikey's bewildered roommate JOHN is forced to endure the remainder of his shower in darkness.
INT. ALAMO MEXICAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The O'Riley family endulges in some delicious Mexican cuisine.
MOM
So how's Jesse doin' in Jamaica?
PATRICK
Actually she's in the Netherlands Antilles. Near Jamaica though. I guess she's having fun.
MIKEY
I thought Jamaica was a part of the Netherlands.
MOM
Jamaica's a country! That's why it has a bobsled team.
MIKEY
I just thought everything below the equator was the Netherlands.
PATRICK
But it's not below the equator.
DAD
I thought it was second star to the right and straight on til morning.
PATRICK
I think you're confusing it with something else.
INT. MILITARY STORAGE WAREHOUSE - DAY
After 71 years of silence, CAPT. DANIEL MCCORMICK's cryo-stasis chamber suddenly cranks open. Capt. McCormick emerges from the resulting cloud of freezing fog, intensely hungry.
INT. CARL's JR. ACROSS THE STREET - DAY
The CASHIER gives Daniel's uniform a quick once over before asking what he'd like.
CASHIER
So what'll it be?
DANIEL
I guess a burger and fries.
CASHIER
What kinda burger? We got lots a burgers.
The cashier gestures to the menu over her head. Daniel shifts his gaze.
DANIEL
A six dollar burger?! Are you kidding me?
CASHIER
They're actually pretty good.
DANIEL
For six dollars they better be. Alright, I guess I'll have one of those.
CASHIER
That'll be 8.40.
DANIEL
What?!
INT. SCREENWRITING 101 - DAY
A portly PROFESSOR addresses a class of prospective screenwriters.
PROFESSOR
Now, a popular way to keep the audience engaged is to employ a ticking clock.
A hand goes up.
PROFESSOR
Yes, Mark.
MARK
What's so scary about a clock?
PROFESSOR
Well, it doesn't necessarily mean a clock exactly. Think of it more like a time bomb.
MARK
So if I write a movie about a time bomb, people will be in suspense, and suspense is good, right?
PROFESSOR
Well, sure, but a movie shouldn't be about things, it should be about people, and an audience can't spend an entire movie in suspense so you'll need to find places to break the tension.
MARK
So, like, a bunch of time bombs then.
PROFESSOR
Mark, the time bomb was just an example. Ordinarily you would use your creativity as a writer to come up with a more relevant and looming danger to the story's characters.
MARK
But death is dangerous.
PROFESSOR
I agree, but you don't need to be so literal with the concept. I'm trying to give you the freedom to explore...
MARK
But time bombs are still allowed, right?
PROFESSOR
Sure, Mark.
INT. 82nd ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS - NIGHT
TINA FEY and ROBERT DOWNEY JR. make standard award show chit-chat until the part people want to hear.
ROBERT
And the award goes to...
He hands the envelope to Tina.
TINA
Mark Boal for The Hurt Locker!
INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY
RICHARD drags PATRICK into the break room by the arm excitedly.
RICHARD
Check it out! I found a time machine! I was able to send this gerbil through time!
PATRICK
Richard, this isn't a time machine, it's a microwave.
Richard cradles the smoldering corpse of a gerbil.
RICHARD
(oblivious)
I think it's hot in the future.
INT. JOBS RESIDENCE - DAY
STEVE JOBS, 55 bearded and awesome, sips his early morning coffee. He addresses the camera.
STEVE JOBS
The other day I was out shopping for clothes when I thought...
CUT TO:
INT. LOCAL FORMAL WEAR OUTLET - DAY
A more attractive Steve Jobs holds a black turtleneck against his muscular form and switches it for another identical turtleneck. Suddenly he looks up in epiphany.
STEVE JOBS (V.O)
A computer should turn on instantly, and I should be able to locate files just by just typing the filename, and computers should be virus-free!
CUT TO:
INT. JOBS RESIDENCE - DAY
Jobs takes another sip.
STEVE JOBS
Then I realized, Macs have done that for ten years.
CUT TO:
INSERT: Apple Logo
CUT TO:
INT. JOBS RESIDENCE - DAY
Jobs smiles big for the camera.
STEVE JOBS
I'm Steve Jobs, and apparently Windows 7 was my idea.
INT. GEOMETRY CLASS - 2052 A.D.
As MR. MYERS, 31 unshaven and bespectacled, scribbles with a stylus across his iChalkboard, the words are automatically replaced with the appropriate, government-approved font.
MR. MYERS
The commutative property of multiplication states that regardless of their values, x times y is equal to y times x.
The students observe complacently from their hoverdesks.
MR. MYERS
(cont'd)
Everyone following so far?
The class laughs suddenly.
Mr. Myers looks back to the wall to see that the "=(" part of the equation has morphed into a sad face.
MR. MYERS
(cont'd)
Does anybody know how to turn off emoticons on this thing?
Nobody offers assistance.
MR. MYERS
(cont'd)
Fine, whatever, moving on... the transitive property tells us that if x is less than y, and y is less than three...
The "<3" rotates into a glowing red heart on the board.
MR. MYERS
(under his breath)
God dammit.
INT. BILLINGS MANOR - DAY
LIONEL BILLINGS II, 58 and lanky, adjusts his monocle and calls to his portly manservant WESLEY, 35 and fidgety.
LIONEL
Wesley! Please retrieve my things and procure the fastest plane ever built. To fly the plane I require the pilot with the most successful landing record ever achieved.
WESLEY
Very well sir, but statistically speaking, wouldn't that make him the most likely to crash?
LIONEL
Right you are! Very well. Get me the pilot who has crashed most recently.
WESLEY
Right away, sir!
INT. OFFICE - DAY
JOSH and PATRICK reflect on childhood aspirations.
PATRICK
I remember for two years I wanted to be a paleontologist.
JOSH
Oh totally! Me too. Especially after Jurassic Park came out. I mean, that was like little kid porn for me. (beat) I mean... Wow, that came out wrong.
PATRICK
No, I get it.
JOSH
Ok good.
PATRICK
You mean it was as addictive for you then, as child porn is for you now.
JOSH
Exactly! Thanks for translating.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
PATRICK retrieves his keys to start the car but hesitates, distracted.
MIKEY
So, are we going straight to the Rock Band Party? (beat) What are you looking at?
Patrick's eyes follow a small group of people across the street.
PATRICK
Oh, nothing. The guy in the front there looked like J.K. Simmons.
MIKEY
I think that's J.K. Rowling.
PATRICK
What?
MIKEY
J/K.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
ANDREW, late-30's, unshaven and apparently sleep-deprived, stabs at his dinner plate angrily. His daughters, SUSANNA, 8, and POLLY, 5, eye their food reluctantly.
POLLY
(whiney)
I miss mom's cooking.
ANDREW
Shut up and eat it!
The girls are unfazed by dad's outburst.
SUSANNA
Aren't you supposed to microwave these?
On each of their plates sits a slim brick of popcorn kernels and butter-flavored chemicals.
ANDREW
If that's still on your plate when I finish this, I'm eating it.
Susanna tries to fork her unpopped envelope of dinner, but can't penetrate the surface and instead sends her food gliding off the plate onto the kitchen floor.
Polly starts crying.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
JOSH explains his plans for the future to PATRICK.
PATRICK
Do you have a name for your biker gang picked out?
JOSH
We're gonna be the Skull Crackers.
PATRICK
That sounds more like a Halloween snack than a biker gang.
Josh and Patrick engage in a grueling staring contest.
Josh cracks Patrick's skull.
DR. BRIDGES
(losing his patients)
I know what I'm doing!
Spell check doesn't correct homophones.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
TRAVIS, 24 and lanky, closes the refrigerator door and exhales audibly in frustration.
TRAVIS
Are you kidding me, Todd? You drank my beer again?
TODD, 26 and pot-bellied, pauses his videogame.
TODD
What beer?
TRAVIS
The beer I hid in the vegetable crisper. All that's left are pears and batteries.
TODD
I didn't drink 'em.
TRAVIS
Todd, we're the only ones here.
Todd is struck with an epiphany. He snaps his fingers.
TODD
Dude! Must've been the beer troll!
TRAVIS
The beer troll?
TODD
Yeah, he steals beer at night.
TRAVIS
(playing along)
Alright... I thought... you slayed the beer troll.
Todd, embarrassed, searches his head for another excuse.
TODD
Must've laid some eggs.
TRAVIS
Eggs, huh? The mythology's thickening.
TODD
Tell you what, I'll start setting up the trap. You go buy more beer for bait.
- AWARDS -
